101 Funniest Quotes of All Time

Whether it’s a play on words, a funny sight about everyday things, or old witty sayings, comedy has a way of making us understand we’re all going through the related stuff in this insane life. These funny quotes about friends, family, work, and love will have you saying, “So genuine!” because, well, they are. Others will have you remembering funny, meme-worthy movie and TV moments.

Take a much-needed pause from your day to see these 101 funny quotes we found in books, interviews, plays, celebrity Twitter and stand-up comedy, as well as TV shows and movies, confirmed to give you a quick laugh.

The 101 Funniest Quotes of All Time

1. Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't confuse the two like you did last time.
Tehzeeb Kazmi

short funny quotes

2. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey

3. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
Mark Twain

4. Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
Ellen DeGeneres

5. I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

6. Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.
Steven Wright

7. You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
Joan Rivers

Funny Friendship Quotes

8. Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
Joan Rivers

9. Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.

10. Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

11. A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.
Jim Hayes

12. It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’

13. Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.

14. I was innocent then my best friends came.

15. “Love is blind. Friendship closes its eyes.
Friedrich Nietzsche

16. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'
Groucho Marx

17. Best friends are hard to find because the very best one is already mine.
Tehzeeb Kazmi

Cute & Funny Love Quotes

18. When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.

19. I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.

20. Will you lend me a kiss? I promise to give it back.

21. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along!

22. I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

23. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

24. You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!

25. I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.

26. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

27. They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

Short Funny Quotes about Life

28. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld

29. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Albert King

30. Life doesn't have any hands but it can sure give you a slap.

31. Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

32. Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.
William Goldman

33. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett

34. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

35. If you don't succeed at first, hide all the evidence that you tried.

36. Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.
Markus Herz

37. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

38. I love you forever... but I can't live that long.

39. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead

40. When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

Most Hilarious Quotes About Money

40. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!. He's dreaming too.

41. He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.

42. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson

43. Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.
Will Smith

44. If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

45. The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.
Billy Ray

46. I rob banks because that’s where the money is.
Willie Sutton

47. I don't understand people who say 'I don't know how to thank you.' Like they never heard of money.

48. My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.
JP Getty

49. What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
Henry Youngman

50. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason

Funny School Quotes And Saying

51. An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

52. School is like government office it takes 12 years to get you done from the education.

53. Maths told me to find X but I know how hard it is to get back your X.

54. My teacher always ask for not wasting time and then she gave 30 minutes of speech on how not to waste time.

55. I used to follow one of my teachers because they said you should always follow your dream.

57. My teachers ask me to learn tables and then I watch my table for 2 hours and I learned it visually.

58. I’m not attentive during the lecture but I’m very attentive during the attendance.

59. Everyone says to create your own identity, therefore, I decided to not wear my identity card.

60. I hate school because they never allowed teamwork during exams.

Funny Exercise and Gym Quotes

61. I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

62. When the teacher said "Don't forget to bring clothes for Gym," I thought "Who is Jim and why doesn't he bring his own clothes?

63. Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day.

64. Yes of course I am athletic... I surf the Internet every day.

65. Me watching Olympics: Woah! That was outstanding! Announcer: Another devastating mistake.

66. Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

67. I did a push-up today, Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.

68. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.

69. Of course I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

70. Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital.

Hilarious Quotes on Love and Marriage

71. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

72. When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.

73. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

74. Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.

75. What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

76. Marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

77. Marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

78. There are only three things women need in life: Food, water and compliments.

79. The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.

80. A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt.

Funniest Quotes About Parents

81. Both of us can’t look good at the same time; it’s me or the house.

82. Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

83. It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.

84. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

85. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

86. Never have more children than you have car windows.

87. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

88. You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have for instance.

89. They say women speal 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.

90. I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Funniest Quotes About Parents

91. You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder!!

92. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

93. Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.

94. I want to kill the hottest person alive… But suicide is a crime!

95. Life is Short – Talk Fast!

96. Why do stores that are open 24/7 have locks on their doors?

97. Your intelligence is my common sense.

98. Good girls ar bad girls that aren’t caught.

99. A “Lion” would never cheat on his wife but a “Tiger Wood".

100. When I speak with my eyes, I tell more than just one story.

101. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

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